Rock and Puddle

What I do every day takes a toll. I am the confidant, educator, mentor, support system, mother, sister, parent, spiritual director, social director, hugger, crier, …for numerous families and patients every day who are in crisis. At the end of the day, I am both drained and fulfilled. When I leave a home where I have been a part of an epiphany about the reality of the situation, I am grateful and humbled that I am able to be a part of the profound genuineness found in this moment of revelation, that the time we have with our loved ones is becoming more and more precious. I am so able to be in the moment and appreciate and honor the tears, the laughter, the memories shared, the fear, the bravery and strength, the resistance to the inevitable, the family dynamics, the rawness of emotions. I’m so appreciative of the families who tell me how happy they are that I have become a part of their journey. I am always in awe of God’s presence in these moments and in the gift He has given to me to be able to elicit the genuineness in these moments, but it does take a toll. I feel that I am trying to be a ROCK during these encounters, but, honestly, I am a puddle.

When I am finished with all of the “professionalism, the necessary paperwork, and the end of my “work day”, I don’t have much of an outlet. My husband doesn’t want to hear everyday about the tragedies, sadness, grief, or even triumphant stories of redemption and salvation that I see every day. So I have to “stuff it”, and carry on. But most days, I feel like a puddle, a “mush” that is fragile and too easily broken and stepped in. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings.

I love this work and feel drawn and compelled to continue to use the gift that God has given to me. (I hope that people don’t think that I am arrogant or egotistical about saying that this is a gift, I humbly and graciously believe that God has bestowed upon me an unusual talent to do and say the things that I am able to say every day to my patients and families, and I know that this is gift and grace that comes from above)

I pray for His strength and guidance and wisdom to continue, because, it is hard! Sometimes, I don’t fell like a rock , I feel like a puddle. Please God, help me!